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The power of small talk
Many people are bored by the idea of small talk. I used to be one of them. In some situations I'd do everything I could to avoid small talk or those chats centered around water cooler topics. I found that I knew many people who felt the same way. We viewed these conversations as a bit pointless and felt that they didn't provide much value outside of the importance of being polite.
The daily niceties have always been important to me. I was raised in a family that emphasized good manners and social graces. In a situation where I sensed small talk was brewing, I would find myself wondering how I could politely change the subject. At a local business conference I once witnessed a guy drop the 'I've gotta run to a dentist appointment' in three different situations just to exit the chatter and move on.
Small talk is often described by it's detractors as superficial or shallow, yet I'm here to talk about it's importance. I'm a believer! A small talk convert if you will.
My story
I've always been excited to meet new people. The world is an oyster and people are it's pearls, each one unique in their personality and interests. I enjoy the process of learning about someone through hearing their story or what makes them tick.
I used to feel conflicted when I found myself avoiding small talk situations with people and I couldn't put a finger on exactly why. My mind began to shut down if I sensed no real conversational value being shared. I tried, but I just couldn't make myself do it. 'What is the point of talking about the weather or what someone ate for lunch?', I'd ask myself.
I knew I wasn't alone in how I felt. In fact, I knew an entire fraternity of people who felt the same way, yet also felt trapped by not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings. It wasn't until I began to study communication more seriously from a behavioral psychology point-of-view that I really began to see that there is just as much value to these types of conversations as there is in any deep topic of discussion.
On the surface
The words 'superficial' and 'shallow' are defined as 'relating to the surface' and have, in more modern times, become associated with the indifferent or heartless behavior of others.
Small talk gets it's bad reputation because of it's lack of subject depth. It's often described as shallow or superficial because it is short-term, common denominator conversation. It centers around surface-level topics that have the best chance of catching conversational fire.
Every culture values 'depth' of character or behavior in others, so we must dig deeper to understand why small talk happens so regularly.
Small talk is Mmmmm Good!
Small talk is phatic. I see it existing in between the standard sharing of information that is conversation and a type of grooming. It might sound like conversation but it's closer to the social grooming that we see in other animals such as birds, fish or primates. The value in small talk is not in the words being spoken, but in the warmth of the phatic interaction.
Words are attached with meanings, but if you stop for a moment to ponder what is going on when we 'express ourselves' we are really just making a bunch of funny noises with our mouths...the mind is where the meaning of the word is attached. As a speaker or listener we automatically make an association to a series of related memories and patterns in the brain. The mouth is just one instrument in the communication process. We also use our eyes, facial muscles, posture, and hands to compose a symphony of exchange as we give and take in the game of verbal tennis. The spoken word itself can be delivered in various tones, rhythms and timing related to the exchange.
When we talk to each other using small talk we might as well be grooming each other with respect to community and social bonds. Participating in small talk is similar to picking the lint off someone's clothes, or fixing their tie. My girlfriend makes me smile when she performs these types of gestures. She is, in essence, communicating her love to me non-verbally. This is a very important part of love and interaction with one another. Think about how often throughout the day you may express love, acceptance, anger, happiness, or sadness without uttering a word.
What do you mean?
When someone passes you in the hallway and you hear the words 'how are you?' come out of their mouth, it's often just a gesture of good cheer. The words expressed are sounds that represent warmth and friendliness. There usually isn't enough time to get into the details of each others lives. We make the 'How are you?' sound because it's an important token of community.
We know that communication is not just about spoken words. We've all received an e-mail or text message that conjured up feelings of anger, hurt or frustration to realize later that it was interpreted incorrectly. Often, we need to see each other as people, to interact with each other properly, to express ourselves and communicate.
It's the little things...
Humans are very simple creatures. Don't let the websites, airplanes or cellphones fool you. Simple needs and wants. Much of our desires live within basic interaction. Don't overlook the importance of small talk.
So the next time a small talk opportunity arises jump in and take part. Pay special attention to what is really being communicated and less attention to the surface level of the conversation. Your relationships will spread their wings and soar to new heights.
How can you implement this knowledge of small talk into your daily life? business life?
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