Sorry I agree with Roger... you are the one writing non-sense. Dont be critical of the people giving you advise. Even if it is negative. You will never get an investor this way. Let me re write it for you.
I am looking for investors for an internet based business. I am seeking 10 investors, at $5,000 each. I need a total of '$X x Y to invest in my business plan to make it grow and be cool and fun. If you invest, your return will be x% paid monthly. (optional, You will get x% ownership of my business) This is a serious business that has great potential. It is a niche approach to the ____________ industry.
I have a completed business plan for viewing, as well as marketing strategies, financial projections, and future outlook. If you or any investor of your knowing is interested, please feel free to e-mail me at
SheenaDA@aol.com.