The General Awkwardness of Not Yet Being

[pt18]

So I guess we all find ourselves with the weight of life placed on our shoulders. As beasts of burden, we are expected to take this burden in such a way that we engineer success in our lives.

At least, thats where I find myself now. I'm a chronic mess-up.
I'm 18 years old and was raised in what we could say, impoverished circumstances. I was resentful of people trying to meddle with my life, and growing up retreated increasingly into an isolated world of computing and philosophy. I responded to everything with rebuttal, crafted witty replies to shut down the good intentions of my educators and constructed a miserable life philosophy drowned in a miasma of existentialist self-loathing. I've been fickle, embittered, and fiercely absorbed in trivialities that - while I still believe in the fundamental importance of pondering them - now seem to be completely off my mind. I can't find time to think, instead I find myself frantic and without any sense of identity.

We could say that one of the great equalizers of life [the need for financial independence in order to be free] has found its way laughing into my life.

At 18 I found myself out my mother's door, she never had the money to support me herself and I was then a liability to her. I have no other family. My girlfriend and I were able to secure a lease, and paying the rent has been close to impossible. I've been to court before and endured heinous legal fees trying to keep a roof over my head. My girlfriend and I fight all the time, we don't really love one another but we both know we are reliant upon one another to survive. Somehow I've managed to keep this dying life perpetuated, although I at times debate if sleeping on the street wouldn't be better.

Car insurance is well over $450/mo at my age with my zip code, not to mention costs of learning to drive, taking the tests, and securing a motor vehicle. So I am reliant on limited public transportation. Rent is nearly one thousand to live in an area that has access to paying jobs. My girlfriend has a structured settlement and is able to afford school and just under her half of the rent with it. I naturally have no money for institutionalized education. I'm looking into the bottom of a rather miserable glass, struggling to find some redeeming quality that will help me escape from what feels like an aborted life.

What I want to do is move out of here and go to Boston. I wish to escape this soul-sapping circumstance and no longer have to worry about having a roof over my head every month. To do so will take a surge in my personal capital. Additionally I want to cling desperately to values of independence and "finding my own way." I'm not one to take a handout.

But really, I'm utterly desperate. I managed to secure enough money to pay next month's rent, but after this - where are my prospects? Will every month be a struggle to pay the rent as I watch the substance of life fade and the fires of passion die from my eyes?

I want to offer a product and generate real value for people. I want to mean something. I yearn to construct a bright little world where actual production occurs and real service is rendered - it would help me redeem some lost quality of innocence that's buried in my self-battered soul.

Although my little discourse was probably excessive, I feel it helps to illuminate my nature and the kinds of things I will find of natural importance. I have a friend who made a lot of money selling penis pills, but I feel like that's something that I don't wish to be involved in. I want to hold my head up high and respect what I am. I'd like to make and market a product that I can be proud of and lead a life of innovation.

My personal wealth goals aren't too high - I'm accustomed to the evening Ramen washed down with water, but I'd like to have a roof over my head and one of those lofty, classically liberal educations wherein I can fiercely debate professors and fellow students as I try to hammer out the societally-tainted garbage from actual substance. Since I never intend to work for another, I've no desire for a degree. But I do want to have the time to learn, really learn, and to do so from the best.

But how do you do it? How do you keep your head up high and not be swept under by the currents of failure? How do you have new business ideas excite you every day, and not despise that you're practically too poor to survive - much less see them come to fruition? I'm sure someone out there started with nothing and made something of themselves. How did you weather the storm? How did you get to where you are when you began with so little? I desperately want to live, but I feel as though I'm not alive yet. All my ideas seem to come with dollar figures that are well out of my reach. For all my effort, I'm barely scraping by. I need something to kindle a spark in my bankrupted soul. I can't give in, to give in would be my death.


You have my story - now I'm asking for your tales and your suggestions.



Thanks for your time.

[Aletheides]

Good God someone has a talent for writing. You might not know it yet but you already possess what you need to be successful. You remind me of where I was at your age.

Just be prepared to eat ramen in the eye of the storm for a while while you're learning and finding out what works and what doesn't.

Don't forget that their is light at the end of the tunnel.

I started with small goals - $1 a day, $10 a day, $20 a day, $50 a day... with time you beat these goals. But the important thing is to start. Action.

PM me if you want to know the first thing that eventually worked for me. I don't sell penis pills (lol) but it is internet marketing and no it's not a scam or MLM nor do I want any money from you nor do I want you to sign up for anything . It's all just info. I can send you some ebooks too.

[Nigami Enterprise]

What sort of car costs $450 a month to insure, something doesnt sound right??

Have you thought about moving to a different place mayb a fresh start. new house new people new job.

Their is only one person that can stop you from living month to month trying to pay bills. Live in a caravan if you have to or in your car, can you rent a room from someone. Anyway best of luck with it.