Please critic my business letter

**GPowell** · 09-25-2008 10:27 AM

The purpose of this letter is to receive information about all internships available in the summer. I am interested in an internship because it will give me some experience working in the part of the music industry I want to be involved in. My first and only choice is to obtain a job at a record label in my future. Distinctively the job I want is in the marketing department, on tours or in the A&R department.

I have no experience with working at a record label at all. My current job is being an International Business major at Central State University. There I take Chinese and other Business related courses. I'm involved with the marketing club, and Student Leader Institute program. After graduation I plan to work for a record label if not I'm going to start my own.

I have done a lot of research about record labels for years. On the internet and read numerous books, such as "The Music Powers that be to Succeed in the Music Industry by C. Cirocco Jones". During my study I have written numerous business plans, to prepare myself for a future with record labels. In more detail, I researched the A&R position the most incase I don't start a label this is what I want to be.
If possible I would like to further discuss the opportunities for internships this summer. I am unable to participate in any events during school days because of my classes. If I don't hear any response in a couple of weeks, I am going to follow up with calls, emails, and letters. I greatly appreciate the time you spent reading this letter, and I hope to hear and meet with you soon.

Sincerely,

My name

**DebtFreeMe** · 09-29-2008 03:27 PM

Hey there,

As with any business letter, I would spend more time on informing your reader about what you know about the business and not what you don’t know. I would most definitely make each letter specific to the particular business you are writing to. Be sure to point out something very specific to that business too praise.

Managers are just like the rest of us, they don't want to read a form letter. Show them you are interested in their company, not the music industry in general.

Also, see if you can get a name for the decision person in HR at their company and direct it to them, or find the specific manager for the depart you want to work in and direct the letter to that person.

Given that your just starting out, let them know you want to start at the bottom, and will work for free given that you have no experience.

Also, just let them know that you will do a follow up contact. No need to put in that you will call, email, and write them, what that almost sounds like to me is harassment.

Enjoy,

**hostchecker** · 09-29-2008 04:56 PM

Thats good advice

**GPowell** · 09-30-2008 10:13 AM

Thank You for responding

**canadascoffee** · 09-30-2008 02:42 PM

no offense gpowell, but i don't think you'll get an internship with a letter like that.

I only say that from experience... maybe not in the music industry, but in the world of business internships are only obtained in a few ways:

knowing someone (probably still the most powerful)
applying through the company's official method (usually an online application on a website or mailing in a resume)
applying through your university
applying through a career fair or similar event

also, just the opening sentence will probably make the reader throw away the letter. Maybe i'm wrong, but in general, a company expects YOU to know about all of their internship opportunities; in a competitive world, it's not the job of a HR manager to be responding to a letter detailing the internships the company offers when that information is available on the website (if it is).

the second sentence in the third paragraph isn't even a sentence.

write up a good resume, email it to HR, and hope for the best. it sounds cold, but I say this after obtaining an internship at a 2-billion-dollar market cap company in corporate finance (after my freshman year), and I now have two interviews after my first two resume submissions this year (with Heinz and Kohl's).

**mbrand2222** · 09-30-2008 03:01 PM

Canadascoffee is probably right, but if you must go the route of a letter, try to highlight the qualities that you have that will make you appealing to the company. Never say anything negative. Do this also in any cover letters you may send......which may be sort of what you are writing here. Follow the rules for a good cover letter. You can get great guidance and samples for free on the Internet.

**Scott Bradley** · 09-30-2008 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by GPowell

The purpose of this letter is to receive information about all internships available in the summer. I am interested in an internship because it will give me some experience working in the part of the music industry I want to be involved in. My first and only choice is to obtain a job at a record label in my future. Distinctively the job I want is in the marketing department, on tours or in the A&R department.

I have no experience with working at a record label at all. My current job is being an International Business major at Central State University. There I take Chinese and other Business related courses. I'm involved with the marketing club, and Student Leader Institute program. After graduation I plan to work for a record label if not I'm going to start my own.

I have done a lot of research about record labels for years. On the internet and read numerous books, such as "The Music Powers that be to Succeed in the Music Industry by C. Cirocco Jones". During my study I have written numerous business plans, to prepare myself for a future with record labels. In more detail, I researched the A&R position the most incase I don't start a label this is what I want to be.
If possible I would like to further discuss the opportunities for internships this summer. I am unable to participate in any events during school days because of my classes. If I don't hear any response in a couple of weeks, I am going to follow up with calls, emails, and letters. I greatly appreciate the time you spent reading this letter, and I hope to hear and meet with you soon.

Sincerely,

My name

It is too "formed"...
Put some of your personality into it...As I was reading it I got bored...and disinterested in reading it.

Who is this going to?
What response do you want to elicit in the person you are sending to.

Be sure that you have ONE focus on what you want the person to do that you are sending them to.

Will you be sending this directly in the mail, or be sending an e-mail?

I would love to help you reformat this if you like. I just need some of the above specifics.

Let me know.

**kylekangaroo** · 09-30-2008 05:50 PM

i like it..its good

**canadascoffee** · 09-30-2008 11:13 PM

Originally Posted by kylekangaroo

i like it..its good

kyle, i don't mean to insult you or the poster, but it is not good. it isn't even correct in terms of spelling and grammar!

**GPowell** · 10-01-2008 05:44 PM

canadascoffee - I have no written one before, and I used a business letter template from one of the ones I've read. There is a couple of record labels I am writing to, and none of them posted any resume pertaining to internships on their websites.